Living the healthy life

       Hello, my name is Alycia and I am allergic to gluten. Ugh it drives me crazy... There are so many things I can no longer eat, and while it's healthier to not eat it anyways... it's still a pain in the butt. About six months or so I started noticing how when I would eat certain foods I would start to feel sick- my stomach would twist itself in knots and I would start to feel this overwhelming sense of exhaustion. I tried not eating bread or things with gluten in them for a few weeks and wa-la- I felt just fine! However, I was too busy to be picky about what I was eating so I just ignored it, vowing to overcome this silly "gluten allergy." In fact, I used to make fun of people who ate gluten free. I thought it was some strange fad that all the naturalist, organic hippies invented. Um... I was wrong. Now I find myself perusing the grocery aisles scouring for the words "gluten free" on almost everything I buy. Did I mention how freaking expensive it is too?? Some days I feel like I would rather just power through it than spend the money on things that won't make me sick. I also cut vegetable oil out of my diet which has proved valuable as well. I use olive oil instead, which does not make my stomach hurt. I am trying to live as healthy as possible right now. I have been hiking, climbing, and exercising almost everyday, and I plan to take up running again too. I figure, I only have one body and it's mine for this life, so I want it to be the best that it can be. I love my body, don't get me wrong, but I know it can be even better, so that is what I am going to strive for. Plus I want to be prepared for all the things I plan on doing- like climbing mountains, traversing deserts, swimming across vast bodies of water... And, having chosen a career as an investigative journalist, I want to be able to always move quickly and be prepared for whatever physical challenge comes my way. Oh and there is also the fact that come 2016 women can try out for the Navy Seals, and I have always wanted to be a Seal, so...

        That's a BIG "maybe" on my part, but who knows. In any case, I want to be in good enough shape that if 2016 comes along and I make up my mind, I would have a chance. This post has been sort of a rant, but this whole gluten free thing is so new to me and at times terribly frustrating. There are far worse problems to have though, so I am done complaining. For now. Fairfarren all.

Learning to trust

         Well I am just about all moved into my new place. I have a few boxes I need to move up to the loft... I think I will wait until my back feels stronger. Today was my second day working for my friend's family, and it has been really good for me. Yesterday I hauled branches, rototilled, transplanted raspberry bushes, helped change diesel out of a bulldozer, and some other odds and ends. Today I washed windows, cut down trees, and helped move a lot of furniture. I put in eleven and a half hours between the two days, and I feel like I was able to accomplish quite a bit. Aside from those things I also got to set everything up in my little house. It feels a little more like home with all my stuff set out. Still I feel an emptiness, a deep loneliness, like I am the last person in the world. I know it's because I truly am on my own. I know I interact with people on a daily basis- an hourly basis even, but still I feel so segregated, so absolutely cut off that I sometimes start to panic. I think it's because I know that there is no one here to take care of me, no one to make sure I am cared for... no one to protect me. And if I am being blunt, that scares the hell out of me. I thought that having these new jobs would keep my mind elsewhere, give me something to think about instead of this incessant stewing over what could have been, but they haven't. In fact, I can feel myself, feel my mind starting to slip back to that familiar realm, where everything else is a blur and just one fact, one notion stands out perfectly clear. Today a new friend of mine asked if I am always so quiet or if I take a while to warm up to people. I didn't know how to tell her that this isn't who I usually am. This is not the Alycia that I was a few months ago. This is a new, tired, wary, sad Alycia and I do not know how to change her. True, I have gained things through it all- confidence, knowledge, wisdom... but everyday I judge in my mind whether the gain or the loss weighs more heavily. I simply don't know. It just feels like I lost so much, and yet I know there are people out there who have lost so much more. I feel pitiful, and at the same time, strong. This is one of the toughest places I have ever been at in my life, but whereas several years ago I might have dealt with it badly, I feel like I am making the absolute best of it.
        I still question myself multiple times a day, why are you here? You should be at home with your family- people who love and will provide for you, people who want to know you're all right all the time, a place that you truly belong. You're not the outsider there, because it is home. All these things are true. So why then am I in the little country town of Duvall, deep inside Washington, in a tiny little one, room house? I have no answer. There is no rational explanation. All I know is that God wants me here. I have ignored Him before, and lived to regret it, so no more. I guess that's my answer then. I am here because it is where God has called me to be. So while I may feel scared, alone, sick, and lost, I know He is here with a purpose for me and for my existence, and all I should be focusing on now is trusting in Him completely.

Feeling 22

Well folks, I am 22 now. I feel that my life has passed by so quickly, and I know it will only continue to go more swiftly as the years fly by. My birthday was a blast, filled with great friends- some old and some new- and it involved swimming and dancing, which when paired with sunshine... let's just say it was perfect. My mom even arranged for me to go on a "scavenger hunt" of activities, which she planned from far away California. I missed my family a lot, and I still do. I can not believe I am actually living on my own now. It's terrifying, miserable, and adventurous at the same time. Tomorrow I am officially moving to Duvall. That is something I am very happy about. I will be living with my friend's family for free, in exchange for 12 hours of work each week. I will be helping them get ready for a wedding they are putting on in July. It's going to be beautiful, I think. The house is magnificent, and situated on a hill looking out at the Cascades and the valley spread out below. They have a little house in the back and that is where I will be staying. It's adorable, and I am really quite excited. And I got my job at Stone Gardens! So many big changes in my life right now, and I wonder sometimes how I am going to keep up with them all. I feel like I have learned more about myself in the last two months than I have over the course of my entire life. I have learned of the resilience and strength a person is capable of possessing. And I have learned the cost of pride, which is a high price to pay and one that is not worth the consequences. I really do wish I could turn back the clock and fix so many things. I feel like I am kicking myself everyday for things I did or ways I acted... it makes me crazy. It is good I have things to do now to distract myself. (besides climbing). We took a trip out to Marymoor Park today and climbed for a good five hours or so. I got to lead the routes, which was very fun. Afterwards we went to the REI garage sale and I found some new pants for climbing. They are so comfy, and I think I look quite good in them (if I do say so myself). And then after all that I went to the gym and climbed until my hands couldn't grip anything. I have an addiction. I started a V7 though... I am hoping the guys can give me some beta on it because I would really love to finish a 7 (or a 6 for that matter). Oh and I ordered a guide book from Barnes and Noble today. I am super psyched because it has all my favorite places: Vantage, Leavenworth, Exit 38, etc... I am going to be SO ready. The only problem is that I do not have a climbing partner... :( I need a husband. haha. I also need a set of cams. Those will both come in due time I suppose, though as far as the first one goes I am quite impatient. Well that's all for now, time to try my hand at sleeping again. Fairfarren all.

The Pursuit of Me

          I am at a strange point in my life. I can feel deep within my heart, that same familiar tug that always accompanies thoughts of home. By all logic, that's where I should be. It's where my family is: my mom, my dad, my brother, my beloved horses, my dogs, the sunshine, friends... it's safe and it's familiar and it is a place that I have found comfort and belonging in for the last 22 years. This will be the first time I spend my birthday away from my family too, and the thought makes me so sad. I miss them, and I miss home fiercely. I facetimed with my family tonight. The screen door was thrown wide open, signaling that familiar, wonderful warmth that accompanies California summers, my brother had just gone for a swim in the pool, my dad was reading one of his plane magazines, the dogs were curled up beside each other, and everything just felt so good, so terribly inviting. I want to cry just thinking about it. And yet, something within me is holding me back from returning. Something that screams adventure, something wild. For the first time in my life I feel like I need to do something on my own- I need to make my own way. And still, it scares me to death.
         
          I have been spending a lot of time in Duvall, Washington lately, and it is there that I feel excitement and belonging. It's a beautiful, quaint country town nestled in a lush, green valley and absolutely surrounded by mountains. I have met so many amazing, lovely people from there, and every one of them has been like a beacon to me, one more reason to stay where I am. And the mountains... I love the mountains here. They call to me all the time, and I yearn to explore their depths, to become acquainted with the caverns and the meadows and the cliff ledges. I want to traverse forest streams, to dive beneath the waters of the Sound, and to climb some of the hidden gems tucked deep within the hills. I just want to run until I become too tired to think or move or breathe. Most of all, I need to find myself, and I think that in order to do that I need to lose myself in the wilds, and in the unknown places. Last week while on a hike, I found myself coming to the end of trail after trail, only to start on a new one because I felt this frantic urge to keep going, as though I was chasing something. I would come around a corner or push my way through some thick ferns, and I would catch a glimpse of the elusive being I was pursuing: me. I have felt so alone these last few months, like I have no one here, like not a soul in the world cares- and that has scared me. I used to think I could handle solitude, and now I understand just how hard it is for me to deal with it. I have never been alone- I have always been surrounded by people, but now that I am alone with my thoughts, and with my future looming large and undetermined in the foreground, I feel myself begin to cave beneath the weight of them. But maybe this is where I need to be. Maybe this is going to teach me the value of being alone. Maybe I can finally discover myself.
         
           Home is safe, but I'm not sure that safety is what I need right now. I think I need danger, I need the unexpected, I need to feel what solitude truly feels like, and I need to know that I can take care of myself when no one else is there to. In the beginning I was simply choosing to stay here for the wrong reasons, I was still clinging to some disillusioned hope for the future, but now I know I need to do this for me. I have to start thinking about myself and about the future I will lead. So whether I eventually return home, or I decide to stay forever in Washington, I know through it all I am me, and that is something that will never change.