Well I am just about all moved into my new place. I have a few boxes I need to move up to the loft... I think I will wait until my back feels stronger. Today was my second day working for my friend's family, and it has been really good for me. Yesterday I hauled branches, rototilled, transplanted raspberry bushes, helped change diesel out of a bulldozer, and some other odds and ends. Today I washed windows, cut down trees, and helped move a lot of furniture. I put in eleven and a half hours between the two days, and I feel like I was able to accomplish quite a bit. Aside from those things I also got to set everything up in my little house. It feels a little more like home with all my stuff set out. Still I feel an emptiness, a deep loneliness, like I am the last person in the world. I know it's because I truly am on my own. I know I interact with people on a daily basis- an hourly basis even, but still I feel so segregated, so absolutely cut off that I sometimes start to panic. I think it's because I know that there is no one here to take care of me, no one to make sure I am cared for... no one to protect me. And if I am being blunt, that scares the hell out of me. I thought that having these new jobs would keep my mind elsewhere, give me something to think about instead of this incessant stewing over what could have been, but they haven't. In fact, I can feel myself, feel my mind starting to slip back to that familiar realm, where everything else is a blur and just one fact, one notion stands out perfectly clear. Today a new friend of mine asked if I am always so quiet or if I take a while to warm up to people. I didn't know how to tell her that this isn't who I usually am. This is not the Alycia that I was a few months ago. This is a new, tired, wary, sad Alycia and I do not know how to change her. True, I have gained things through it all- confidence, knowledge, wisdom... but everyday I judge in my mind whether the gain or the loss weighs more heavily. I simply don't know. It just feels like I lost so much, and yet I know there are people out there who have lost so much more. I feel pitiful, and at the same time, strong. This is one of the toughest places I have ever been at in my life, but whereas several years ago I might have dealt with it badly, I feel like I am making the absolute best of it.
I still question myself multiple times a day, why are you here? You should be at home with your family- people who love and will provide for you, people who want to know you're all right all the time, a place that you truly belong. You're not the outsider there, because it is home. All these things are true. So why then am I in the little country town of Duvall, deep inside Washington, in a tiny little one, room house? I have no answer. There is no rational explanation. All I know is that God wants me here. I have ignored Him before, and lived to regret it, so no more. I guess that's my answer then. I am here because it is where God has called me to be. So while I may feel scared, alone, sick, and lost, I know He is here with a purpose for me and for my existence, and all I should be focusing on now is trusting in Him completely.
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