My Nightmare

Where do I begin? Life is. It simply is. My heart feels twisted, like a figure eight. I am happy, I am sad, I am happy, I am sad, and on and on it goes in a never ending loop. Most mornings I wake up feeling good, if not a little tired from sleepless nights and early morning talks with dear friends. The day will unfold slowly, some days more slowly than others, and I will begin to believe that I have been healed, that nothing in this mortal life can touch me. And then in a singular moment the questions flood in, the doubts, the fears. What are you doing with your life? Is this all there is going to be? Living in the woods of Washington, enjoying the scenery, partaking in it even, but always remaining blissfully ignorant to the rest of the world. Where is the adventure I thirsted for in my youth? Where is the destiny and greatness I always sensed dwelt within me? Washington has presented me with adventure, this is true, but at the end of the day is it ever going to be enough? My heart longs for somewhere I have never been. It longs for mountains and deserts, valleys and glaciers, battles and tribes... it longs for the wilds. And it also longs for love. But these fears are great and I wonder if I will ever experience these things. I have tasted adventure before, and I have tasted love, but taste does not satisfy craving. I want to drink fully of them. I want purpose. One of my greatest fears is to live my life without really having lived. To reach the gates of Heaven one blessed day and be faced with the reality that I did nothing worthy in this life. That is my nightmare. And right now I feel like that is where I am headed. I am 22, just graduated, and I have no clue where my life is going. I have dreams, ones that I am determined to bring to fulfillment, but I haven't a clue how they will come about. And then there is the ever present sinking feeling that accompanies thoughts of love. Have I lost my chance? Some days I feel so bitterly alone that I can't help but despair. Such are the thoughts that cloud my mind. I know I need to leave, need to see the world and all that it holds. I have felt my heart turning hard in these past days. I sense walls being built, but I am fighting them. I know that the moment those walls completely encompass my heart, they will become impenetrable again. I can not allow that to happen, but it is such a struggle. I feel cold and so far from anyone. Nothing in this life seems important enough to love anymore. Perhaps that is because everything I have loved has been taken from me. As I was telling a friend the other day, it is easier to not love because then I don't have to feel the overwhelming pain when it's gone. I know these lies are not of God but I can feel myself succumbing to them. I want to fight, but the battle is fierce and I am tired...