So today has been a struggle for me. There are a lot of things haunting my mind- the sort of things that don't allow me to eat without getting sick, don't allow me to sleep, don't allow me to dream... I feel so weary yet I can not find rest. So I write. Starting a blog is probably the best possible thing I could do at this time in my life. I need to write down my thoughts, organize them, collect them, and let other people read them. Letting people in is a struggle for me. It's probably from past hurts, but every time I allow myself to trust someone, to open my heart to them, I feel like I get hurt. And yet I don't want to become a stone again. I hardened my heart last year and didn't let anyone in... that was a very unhealthy time in my life, and I can not and will not allow myself to repeat that. I need a lot of prayer in that area.
On a happier note, today I climbed with my dear friends Lynnea and Shelby. I successfully climbed my second 5.11 :) For those non-climbers, this is a pretty big deal for me. I am determined to reach a 5.12 by the time I graduate. Speaking of which... graduation!! I can not believe that school is about to be over forever. It feels like I just started kindergarten last week. I still remember walking into my first day of K. feeling so proud and so much older than the little, shrimpy pre-schoolers. ha. I had a complex back then. A "big kid" complex. At that time I also used to believe that smarts depended on how tall a person was. My friends Taylor and Jacob were really tall so I was convinced they were the smartest kids in class. I was such a little dweeb. Okay back to climbing... I can not begin to express how much I love it. I plan on using any graduation money I get to buy my own rope. The only problem is I don't really know any climbers in Yuba City... this is a problem. I want to climb Lover's Leap in Strawberry California- a sick multi-pitch granite outcropping. AND I need to practice lead climbing more. I back clip much too often for anyone's safety.
I miss Utah. All. The. Time. If I had a chance to go back I would. I want to climb another desert tower, this time without all the fear and apprehension I had when we did Castleton. I don't know what it is about me and fear. When I am afraid of something I tend to distance myself from people. I over-think things because I am a woman and this includes imagining my own death when doing things like climbing. It's something I really struggle with. When I act like that it pushes people away and makes them feel like I am pitying myself. I have lost a lot because of things like that. Fear has no place in my life, neither does doubt. These things are the bane of my existence. God did not call us to fear, but to live without fear. It is in Him that I should always place my trust and hope. Okay enough of my ramblings... 6am workout tomorrow and I need to try to sleep. Gut Nacht.
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