Who I am is unknown.

       You could say this is a blog born out of self-discovery. I have lived these past 21 years lost and without a clue as towards who I am. There have been times when I was certain of who I am and where I was going in life, but during these past 7 months I have realized just how little it is I know. It took two weeks of confusion, heartache, and (at times) utter despair to finally realize that this is not all there is. I have had this mindset that there comes a point in your life when you suddenly become enlightened towards who you are- a period of time when everything makes sense. This could not be further from the truth. Every day is a new journey into my own mind, into my emotions, my feelings, into my soul. What I am trying to convey is that you will never fully know who you are; it is a continual growing process. 

         

       No human life is merely black and white. We are awash in color, just take a look at the world around you. I believe that no human condition, particularly human problems can be simplified, because human beings are not simple. We are so divinely complex. Decades of hurt and denial can suddenly make one, defining, grand appearance so abruptly that its arrival can disturb and confound, and ultimately destroy. I mentioned that I have been going through heartache and confusion these past few weeks. I have been so confused, so completely in the dark, that it was making me sick. Pair this with matters of the heart, and you have a recipe for despair. I could not see past the screen that had been placed over my eyes, the voice that whispered to me in the dark, words of poison. It told me I was not worthy of love, that I would never amount to the worth that other people deserved. It told me that things like marriage and children were burdens, ones that only those without dreams bore. It spoke in malice at the breakfast table, "No, you should not eat. You are too large. You must do without." And it manifested in the mirror and the window, and in any reflecting surface. Each day has been a battle, a battle between myself and the voice. But now, for the first time in six years I feel that I have a hold over it. I will be subject no longer to the tyranny of the voice, and the tyranny within myself. I know what I want in life, but I don't know all of it or even how I will obtain those things... and I am okay with that. I know that my story is only part of a much larger story, and one that shall never be completely written until my death. I am looking forward to each day as a new page in each chapter, and I am thrilled by the possibilities God has in store.