My mind has been far away. It has been in Africa, in the jungles and in the plains- in the places that I know I need to be, but am not. The truth is, I am not content here in America, within the safety of society. I am not content with my day to day existence- waking up beneath warm blankets, coffee shop visitations, familiar faces... even my beloved rock climbing has become something predictable. I am weary of these things not because I am spoiled or turned off by them... I am weary because I know I have been called to greater things.
I have never been a patient person. It is one of my many faults. When I want something, I tend to want it right away, or if I want something done then I usually do it right then. So for me to desire Africa right here and now, and not be able to go there, not be able to have it within my grasp... that does something to me. It drives at me like a knife. I feel as though my dreams are hanging by a string from a stick, and each time I reach out to grasp them, each time I come close to wrapping my fingers around them, they are yanked away, further from my reach. This constant pull at my heart drags me down into murky depths, into that place in my soul that is dark, and I fold within myself, not allowing anyone else in. I begin to convince myself that perhaps I am meant to walk this life alone, perhaps I am destined to an existence of solitude- the very thing I dread. The truth is that I do love to be alone sometimes. There is nothing like taking a hike in the woods or a backpack trip by yourself, and getting lost (so to speak) with no one there but yourself and God. Some days I need that, but most days I crave the company of another soul. Someone who can understand me and understand the destiny I have been given.
For as long as I can remember, the darkness has been there. When I was young it came and went, resulting in small bouts of sadness here and there, but was always accompanied by the knowledge that within a short time it would pass. In high school, these "bouts" escalated into great periods of darkness. Some days I would sit, staring at a wall or at some other object, lost in the gray fog within my head. I would pass entire days like this- non-responsive, non enthusiastic... smiling was hard enough, so to feel happiness? That was out of the question. And over time people have mistaken my darkness for a lack of affection towards them, a lack of commitment... this could not be further from the truth, and though it kills me inside that they might think that, it is like I am a slave to the darkness, and I can not reassure them, I can not stop those hurtful words from being formed. Perhaps one of the most difficult things about dealing with the darkness is knowing when it will strike. As I said, today my mind was afflicted with thoughts of Africa, with worries about how I will return, and when it will be. I climbed for several hours, and the worries were forgotten, pushed away, tossed into the crevasses of my mind. As I was driving home, it hit me, as if I had been involved in a collision. It worked its foul, wraithful tendrils into my mind and began almost immediately to spread like some terminal disease. I didn't try to fight it, because I knew how hopeless a cause that was. So I let it take control, let it govern my thoughts, my actions, my heart... I let it hurt people I love.
This is not depression, though sometimes it seems like it. What I believe this darkness is, is a ploy by the devil to keep me off the path that I was destined to follow. It is Satan's attempt at ruining the future God has for me- a future that will rescue people from the clutches of hell itself. A future that will see people freed. Tonight I received news about two new opportunities in Africa, one in Sudan and the other in Congo. I have great connections concerning both, and I am allowing myself to feel hopeful yet again. Nay, God is giving me hope. Walking back to my cottage tonight, it dawned on me how quickly God can turn a situation around. He is so powerful and so in control. He governs my destiny, and He will see it through. It has been promised! God has been formulating the plot to my life story since the beginning of time. Despite the fact that every day I make mistakes- dumb ones at that- I am gaining such a deep insight into the heart of God through them. My darkness is not something to fear, but rather something to hate, something to combat. I am a tortured soul... this much is clear, but like all things I believe God has a purpose for it. My real test will be waiting to see what that purpose is.
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