Why is it so difficult to help? I have been waiting for four years to get back to Africa, or anywhere in the world actually, and too many times I have been denied the opportunity. It's true that a few of those times were due to my own stupidity, but honestly, why is it so hard for someone who has a heart so willing to help others, to sacrifice for others, to give of my whole life to them? From the time I was young, I believed there was something different about me, something great. I read fantasies as a child and reveled in their tales of great adventure and of those heroes and heroines of whom fate had blessed so abundantly. I believed that was myself. As time passed on, and I had not yet been called to some daring adventure or promised destiny, I began to despair. Perhaps I had been wrong. Perhaps my childish ways had tricked my mind into believing I was something special. Too many classroom sessions consisted of a droning teacher and my reckless imagination- warring against one another, each struggling for the upper hand. But it has always been in my head to win. I used to imagine outrageous scenarios- gunmen taking control of the school, how would I stop them, and who would I trust to help me? A raging fire consuming the classroom, how would I get the rest of my peers to safety? I would be a liar to say that I still don't imagine such things. Only now they happen on a much grander scale. I imagine myself in Sudan, working as an investigative journalist for the U.S. When I am caught in a nasty bout of crossfire, will I just cower and hide? Turn back and seek cover in the comforts of the U.S. embassy? Or will I continue on, knowing full well that my honor rests on this choice. That the lives of thousands of innocent South Sudanese children may cling to this decision.
One day I realized that the destiny I always thought I had as a child, was not fabricated by my imagination. It is very much real. Now I see it as a calling, THE calling that God placed on me. I have no problem saying that I will do great things in this life. That may sound cocky or bold, but the life I intend to lead calls for boldness. The things I do now call for boldness. Climbing 400 foot desert towers or scaling 700 foot rock faces calls for a sort of boldness. And that is why I know God has chosen me to do great things. Why? Because it is through Him I am going to do them. The most difficult part of this has been not knowing how to do the things that God is calling me to do. Will I go back to Africa? Yes. Will I help free people from physical and spiritual bonds? Yes. Am I willing to stare death in the face and not shirk away or cower? YES. It's not the danger that I have a hard time with or the knowledge of a hard life filled with things that I will see that will forever mar my mind... it's the waiting that is the most difficult. Trusting God to open the door that He has planned, instead of constantly trying to open my own. Up until a few years ago I decided I wanted to be alone, I wanted no part of marriage, I wanted no man in my life to help me (or hinder me as I saw it), I simply wanted to do everything on my own. I have changed my mind and my outlook on that issue. I see the prospect of marriage as a beautiful thing. It is about companionship and not slavery as I had called it so many times. Even though I reconciled my dispute with men, I've realized I have not reconciled with God. I still stiffen when He tries to open a door, tune Him out when He compliments me, and I find myself running when He tell me that He loves me. No good relationship can work without trust, so why do I find myself thinking that mine with God will work when so often I refuse to trust Him? He is the author of my story, the creator even. He has it all planned out, and all I have to do is trust in His timing and keep my spirit and heart willing. Yes, I am confident that I will do great things in this life, I will save people, and I will change people, He has told me these things. For now, the greatest thing I can do is trust His timing.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11
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