Scars

       What is the capacity of human suffering? I look at my own life, and sometimes I wonder when "too much" really becomes too much. Sometimes my heart feels so broken that it's going to fall right down into my stomach. This happens in the mornings especially when I wake from that sweet, oblivious slumber. I have taken to sleeping on the couch these days... I spend as little amount of time in my room as possible. There are a lot of memories there, and these days I don't have enough weapons to combat them. Yes, sometimes I feel like there is no life after this, no reason for the dawning of a next day. Then I force myself to stop and open my eyes. My situation, my sorrows, pale in comparison to some of those around me. I think of the people who lost their lives in the Boston Marathon. Families lost loved ones- mothers, fathers, children... and what have I lost? Just parts of my heart. I also think of people around the world who are dying, like those who lose their lives everyday to the genocide in Sudan. These are the true atrocities. My life is only a tiny move on the great chess board, and the least I can do is somehow strive to leave my mark on other's lives. I know that I was created to help the hurting and the weak of the world, but sometimes it is just so hard to move past my own selfishness. Like right now. My tears have been blinding me to the real hurts of the world, ones so much bigger than a broken heart. And still these feelings of sorrow will not go away. I am not under any illusion that they will just dissipate- the heart is a much too complex thing for that- no, I know it will take time and the love and support of those around me until I am ready to completely move on and bear this new scar I have earned. Scars are not so bad after all. I have quite a few of them (owning horses and rock climbing tends to do that to you), and I am proud of them. They are like little neon signs saying, "Look! Look how strong I am, look what I have had to bear." They are God's reminders to me that He is in absolute control and that I really am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. So while the storm around me rages on and feels like it will never cease, I know that someday this too shall pass.