Graduation and climbing ropes- a long time coming

        Tomorrow will mark the end of almost 17 long years of school. I will be graduating from Northwest University, and right now I am feeling a plethora of emotions. Graduation is coming at a hard time, I have been through a lot of heartache lately, and so while I am beyond excited to be graduating, there is also a part of me that feels sick and alone and at times hopeless. I have been trying to stay hopeful, I really have, but it just gets so hard when you feel like you weren't good enough. And yet, I know I was good enough, and that I still am- the fact that tomorrow I am graduating from college should be proof enough! I still wonder sometimes what I could have done better, how I could have been a better person. It's not fair that I feel the need to think like this. I know who I am and I love who I am. And still the sick feeling wells up in the pit of my stomach and I know it's about to drown me. I feel crushed.
       
          For an amazing grad gift I got a climbing rope! It's a 10.2 mm Mammut and it's red. I really wanted blue, but Mammut does not make 10.2's in the color blue unfortunately. I am so excited though!! I feel like climbing is the one thing I can do to forget the pain of the present, and when I really focus all my energy and time on it, I begin to forget matters of the heart (if not for a little while anyways). It has become a passion of mine. I need to get some quick draws now so I can be all set for sport routes. It's going to be awesome :) Oh, and I think I have decided to possibly study Aramaic next year- hopefully take a class when I get back to Seattle. That way if I do decide to pursue a career as a war correspondent, I'll be ahead of the game. So many options for the future, and I find myself wishing for just one that I sadly no longer have the luxury of choosing. I have been hanging out a lot with my married friends and I think they are so lucky to be able to share such joys and such happiness with one another. Marriage is so beautiful and I am so grateful I see that now. It is truly an awesome privilege.

         Good night world, I am off to search for sleep. Graduation is going to be a very very long affair, and I feel that I may fall asleep through it. And if you remember, please keep me in your prayers. Pray for my heart specifically, and its nasty habit of always trying to kill me. Much thanks.