Today has been very rough. I woke up with that familiar, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one that hits me randomly throughout the day and never gives me a hint until I'm almost doubled over. If I'm being honest, I feel like I have lost all joy, all passion for the things I used to have. I stare in the mirror sometimes and wonder where I've placed my identity. My path, my future... everything seems so uncertain and so foreboding. The sun outside is shining, but sometimes I can't see it. I can't see past the cloud over my eyes. And the pain... the pain comes with the memories. They attack swiftly, like an organized squadron of killers. They assault my mind first and then my heart. I feel volatile and alone despite the numerous arms of support around me, and though I try sometimes I can not help but succumb to the tears. This is a journey, not one that I would have ever willingly chosen to take, but one that I feel God has thrust me onto. It is a path with winding curves, tunnels, and ditches so that I can never see what lies along the next leg. I questioned myself for so long, what did I do wrong? What could I have possibly done better? How could I have been better? I felt as though I had failed, not only myself but those I loved most. And so I began to pray and seek God's counsel and the counsel of others. I have come to realize that I have a few flaws of character that are subtle but deadly. All of these things I have mentioned in prior posts, but I find it healthy to continually remind myself of them so I can seek to become a better woman.
The first and most important thing that has been lacking in my life is confidence. In high school I struggled with eating disorders as (unfortunately) many girls do, and though I overcame them physically, I never thought to see if mentally they had been fully suppressed. My image of myself has been a poor one for years. I have a terrible habit of comparing myself to other people through looks, strengths, intelligence, anything that I feel insecure about. I constantly use the example of Utah, when talking about this sort of thing, but that is because it is such a monumental time. One afternoon we had packed up all our stuff and were heading out to climb Castleton Tower in Moab. Everyone was very excited, everyone but me. I was scared and feeling down because of some mistakes I had made earlier in the day. We were in a rush, so our pace was hurried, and I could feel myself starting to lag. I was feeling tired, hot, and apprehensive. Halfway to the base we stopped and agreed we were moving too slowly. Now at this point I was already on the verge of tears because I was feeling embarrassed by how slowly I was moving and how tired I already felt. Then the suggestion was made that we run the rest of the way in half an hour. My heart dropped because I knew there was no way I could. My friends asked what I thought and instead of being able to tell them honestly how I felt, I began to cry. This entire time, whispers had been flying around my brain, whispers that told me I was not good enough, that my friends were disappointed, and that I had failed. These whispers have haunted me since my youth. I don't exactly know when they started, but I do know they have been my constant companion. I think all my life I have been looking for someone to protect me from these whispers, these doubts. I have searched for my protector in friends, boyfriends, and family, but it was not until I surrendered myself fully to God- faults and all, that I began to feel the chains of bondage dropping away. The whispers were finally silenced. This has been such a long process, such a long time coming that sometimes I find myself slipping back into my old habits, but I ALWAYS catch myself before I sink.
Looking back at Utah, I wonder how I could have ever thought my friends would judge me. They are my friends after all! People who love me and care about me and could care less about how fast I can run up a hill or what level of climbing I'm at. They just wanted to be around me, see me happy, and share in the magical, adventure that was Utah. I have been blind for far too long, and all my anger is directed towards the devil and his schemes in trapping and ruining the relationships in my life. He stole a lot from me, but I am stealing so much more back. I have freedom now, freedom in who I am and a confidence that NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE can ever take from me.
So yes, while these feelings of heartache and deep sorrow are with me today, I have hopes for tomorrow because I know I will not make the same mistakes again. I have let a lot of people down, but today that changes.
"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."
- 1 Peter 3:3-4
No comments:
Post a Comment