The Cost of Forgiveness

      Some times in our pain we feel the need to lash out, to strike those who hurt us so deeply. I won't lie, I have struggled with bitterness and anger lately. I question that person everyday in my mind. Why wasn't I good enough? What else could I have done? Why did you hurt me like this? I still wake up in the mornings not quite comprehending reality until the pain sinks in again and I know that this is all too real. And then the questions rise in my mouth like bile, and I can't help but feel the sinking despair all over again. I have realized something though, and that is bitterness will lead you down a trail you don't ever want to take. Even though someone hurt me badly, I could never desire to hurt them in return. That is not how we have been called to act, that is not how I seek to live my life. I want my relationships, all of them, to be ones based in forgiveness. There is nothing so big in this world that we could do to make God not forgive us. His love is so great and so unconditional, and that is what I want my love to be like. If I never enter into another romantic relationship in my life, then fine. I just want a spirit of forgiveness so that no matter how I have been wronged, I can always find it within myself to forgive and forget just as my savior has done for me my entire existence. None of us are deserving of grace, but still He gives it to us freely. Why then should I try to put a price on something I received free of charge? Don't get me wrong, forgiving someone is one of the hardest things in the world, especially when you have been crushed so badly. It is not in my human nature to simply turn the other cheek, which is why I MUST rely on the divine nature of God to intercede for me in this. I know it is not something I can do alone, and honestly, I fight it sometimes. But what good is that? It's true, I have lost joy and my heart and my passions, but those will be back one day, and until then I have gained a deep appreciation for people who commit to loving one another forever and who truly value such things. And I have gained a deeper love for my family and for the family that I will have one day. Forgiveness is no easy task, but it is well worth it for everyone.