After today, there is only one day left of my challenge. In my heart though, I know I will continue this journey, because to know God will take a lifetime! Longer even than that! Allow me to tell you a little bit about young Alycia. My dad is a rice farmer, and I grew up on a beautiful plot of land nestled in the heart of the Sacramento valley. At a young age I was given the keys to vehicles (mainly trucks, quads, and tractors) and was expected to be able to drive them from "point A" to "point B" on the farm. Some of the best days of my life involved racing my cousins across the ranch on our quads, hooting and hollering like a group of banshees straight out of hell. We used to take my grandpa's old paddleboat out into the lake and fish and swim until dark. Then we would make the short trek to grandma's house for marshmallows and root beer floats. Summer was my favorite time of the year, when school let out, and we were unleashed on the ranch for a whole three months. In those days we did just about whatever fancied us- more often than not we wound up in some form of trouble. In those days, those golden years of my youth, it was easy to smile, it was easy to be happy. Worries were things we read about in chapter books or watched on adventure shows. I guess the only real worries we had were how much time we had before bed and whether or not we'd be allowed to play outside the next day. These days worries come in different forms. I worry about a lot of things- the well being of my loved ones, money, relationships, my future... I worry about whether or not I am actually losing my mind and if it's even possible to know if it's being lost. To say the least, I don't smile as much anymore. Some days it takes something truly extraordinary to make me happy. When I am talking to my mom on the phone, she often comments on how unhappy I sound. "You know, you could always come home, honey. You'd be happier here." As much as I would like to agree with her, I know it's not true. These feelings are not a result of my surroundings, they are reflections of what is in my heart, and for the longest while, my heart has been empty.
On day six, I was working at Stone Gardens and feeling rather useless. Business was slow, and I had done just about every mind-numbing chore I could think of doing. I could feel myself starting to crash, my entire body's energy levels dropping dangerously low. One of my co-workers sweetly hinted that dishes were piling up in the staff room. I stared at her a moment before nodding my head ever so slightly- enough to show minimal politeness, but to also express my immense displeasure. I gathered up the heap of reeking dish ware, and headed towards the sink in the back, haphazardly balancing mugs and mason jars filled with suspicious green and brown substances. (Rock climbers eat and drink the strangest things) I filled up the sink with soapy water, placed the first dirty dish in, and BAM! I felt an overwhelming sense of joy. I had to keep myself from laughing out loud. There was a suspicion in my head that some of those brown-green substances contained some sort of drug that upon inhalation had turned me loopy. But alas, it was no drug. This was God, yet again, revealing, in His way, the character trait of the day. God is joyful.
I have learned that there is a difference between "happiness" and "joy." Joy is lasting, happiness is not. Happiness comes from your environment, and joy comes from the soul. God's joy is limitless and immeasurable. It can not be defined by human standards, nor can it be fully understood. I know one thing that brings God joy is the well-being of His children. God does not rejoice when we endure suffering, though He knows how to rejoice in the midst of suffering. God's joy is everywhere, I have seen it in so many things: in a child's laugh, in the eyes of the passionate, in the downpour of rain, in the majesty of a mountain, and yes, even in the face of great tragedy. I happened to ask God what makes Him most joyful. He responded, Seeing my children joyful.
Well that's a "text book answer," I thought. Joyful about anything in particular?
I find most joy when my children turn to me, when they turn to find joy in righteous and noble things. I know you felt joy in things today. Tell me about them.
I felt rather silly listing off things, that I knew God was already very much aware of. Well, I found joy in training for my new job, I found joy in meeting new people, in washing dishes, in making people happy...
All noble things.
I scoffed at this remark. Noble? Not hardly. They were more like dull, ordinary things.
And who is to judge what is "ordinary?" Certainly not man.
But I want to find joy in adventure, I protested, And in truly helping people. I want to change the world.
You must first find joy in little things, He said patiently. Little things are the keys to big things. A little key may unlock a monstrous door and who knows what that door may hold? How much more sweet will those "big things" be after you've learned to be content with the small?
I had to soak that in for a few moments. What God was saying went against the very fabric of humanity. Satisfaction in a little? But we are people of the extravagant, of the "super-sized!" Little things do not hold up in this world. Little things are squashed like bugs on a windshield...how am I to take joy in bugs? But I recalled the joy I had felt at work, and the joy that had followed me the remainder of that day. That was not something I had fabricated. God had given it to me. Thank you for giving me joy.
Thank you for looking for it.
Had I gone looking for joy that day? Maybe not intentionally, but I had allowed myself to be open with God. I had allowed Him access to my heart and my trust, and maybe in doing that, I had been looking. Some days joy seems lost, like a cloudy memory of better days, but I know that in a trice it can be restored. After all, my God is joyful... and more than that, He IS joy.
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