The second day of my pilgrimage started off slowly. I went through the motions of my daily routine, getting dressed, eating, dreaming, trying to keep my ever harried mind occupied, but never fully dwelling on what that day's characteristic could be. My mind did travel back to the night before, but with the vision from the mountaintop still fresh in my brain, all I could do was dwell on the fact that God was a dream giver. It had occurred to me, that it would certainly take more than one day to dwell on the magnitude of such discoveries of God's nature, but I was not going to question God's idea; I have learned all too well how fruitless it is to doubt Him. That day I drove to the climbing gym, where I work, eager to release some of the pent up tension I was feeling. Now, a few days prior, my phone had been stolen from the gym during my last shift of the day. I had been without a phone for about three days, which only served to fuel my frustrations. When I walked into Stone Gardens, my boss informed me they had caught, on videotape, the man who took my phone. I was overjoyed. Vengeance! I was ready to beat the living daylights out of that guy. What right had he to steal something that did not belong to him? What right did he have to make my life more hectic than it already was? I could not wait to file a report with the police. When they came, I gave them my information, gave them a description of my phone, and the times and location where the theft had occurred. Then the officer asked me if I wanted to press charges. Of course my natural instinct was to say yes, to tell that officer to clap him in handcuffs and toss him into the back of his car. How suddenly passionate we become when we feel wronged. Instead, the answer that came from my mouth, which served to surprise both myself and the officer, was no. For some reason unbeknownst to myself, I had pity for this young man and the desire to keep his name off the record. True, this young man deserved punishment for his crime, but I was not the one to give it to him. After the report had been filed, I went back into the weight room and resumed my work out, a curious puzzlement settling over me like a cloud. What had just occurred? A few hours ago I would have loved to exact punishment on this guy, to make him truly sorry for what he had done, but instead I had shown him mercy.
Mercy. That was it! Just like that, God had revealed another characteristic to me, one that I had always been taught he possessed, but something I had never fully grasped until right then. My dream-giving God was merciful. How many times had I been in that man's place, having made some mistake, having told some lie, having hurt someone... and yet never received what I truly deserved. How many times had I ignored the advances of a God who simply wanted me to know Him, and though He had every right to give up on me, still sought after me? The truth of this was mind blowing, and right there in that gym, amidst the hammering of weights, the stench of sweat, the sound of rubber soles scraping the walls... I had a revelation. Later that evening, tucked snuggly away in my bed, I had another of my riveting God conversations.
God, why do you show me mercy?
Because of my love for you.
But how can you love someone who hurts you so much?
I created you. Child, you compare my love to that of a man's. I am God, the beginning and the end. I created love.
Sometimes I forget your love. Well, A LOT of the time I forget your love. I wander my own paths and I just sort of lose sight of it, and of you.
But haven't I always found you? I search, and then I wait for you to come to me. I've always been here.
But God, who should be seeking who?
A relationship takes two. I am always seeking after your heart, but you in turn need to seek out after mine. This isn't one-sided.
Why does it feel so hard to find you sometimes?
You're not truly seeking. Think of your best friend. You know her inside and out. How? You spend time with her, you laugh with her, cry with her, you've held each other. Eight years you've had together and look how close you are. I've been with you your entire life and we do not have a relationship half so strong.
I'm sorry.
And even now you doubt.
Because trusting hurts.
Don't you think I know? I was betrayed by my closest friends, I was betrayed by my chosen people... for all of eternity I have been betrayed. My name has been rebuked and slandered. Still, I love.
But I'm not you! I'm not perfect! I doubt!
My dearest, I love you because of your imperfections and despite your doubts. You are my child and I take pride in you.
But I don't deserve it.
No, you don't. And THAT is my mercy.
So, as another day draws to a close, I am reminded of how vastly undeserving I am, and just how merciful my God is to grant me life. I know now that the right to deal out vengeance on another human being was never given to me. I have stumbled, as I know I will time and time again, and some days I will get it into my head that I deserve the things of this life, and that it is only fair for me to punish those who I deem deserving of it, but it's all a terrible sham. The only reason that I am alive and well today is because my God is merciful. Having thought a good deal on this fact, my prayer is that I strive to remember it when I am feeling entitled.
Praise be to the Lord,
for He has heard my cry for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.
-Psalm 28:6-7
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